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A Reclamation

When I first met Melissa a couple of years ago, I was so nervous about our photoshoot. I had recently come out as genderfluid, nonbinary, and pansexual. If you don’t know what those words mean, that’s okay! The quick version is that I am neither a man nor a woman, but that my gender tends to change depending on how I’m feeling. This means that I am transgender because I’m not the gender I was assigned at birth. I operate outside of the gender binary of male and female, hence being nonbinary. As far as being pansexual? I’m not lusting after your cast iron – I just think everyone is attractive, regardless of their gender. 

When the day of our shoot came, I wasn’t sure if it was something I still wanted to do. After all, it’s so often a marker of femininity and that wasn’t always how I wanted to feel. I hadn’t been close to naked in front of anyone but my husband at that point in… gosh, a decade. Add in the intricacies of being disabled and at that point unable to work and, well, my self-esteem was pretty shot.

Without knowing about all the complex pieces of my journey, Melissa helped me feel comfortable and at home. 

I went from experiencing a large amount of gender dysphoria to starting to accept and love the feminine sides of my body while still holding space for uncomfortable feelings. Even on my most masculine days, I saw my body in a new light. I started to appreciate what I, as a sex educator, shared with others – how you can be yourself even within certain bodily constraints. Check out my work on chronicsex.org.

Naturally, when she asked me to be a part of her new project, I jumped at the chance. What I didn’t know when I said yes was just how much I was going to need this time with her to explore and enjoy myself.

Within about two months of our scheduled shoot date, my husband and partner of nearly 13 years told me he wanted a divorce.

There are many pieces to why that happened, but my gender identity and sexuality were major factors. After being out for three years with ample space for conversation and learning, he still couldn’t figure out how he felt about the new me.

By the time Melissa and I got to talking more about what we’d like to do with the shoot, she asked if I wanted to play with gender expression to see myself as I am. Knowing that me living my truth helped end my relationship somehow gave me more power to display who I truly am.

Instead of being timid and shy, I walked into our shoot incredibly confident and ready to reclaim my body and my life as my own. I was armed with my best Tyra Banks smize, some sexy outfits, and a hell of a lot of sass.

I’ve received a lot of compliments on the few sneak peaks I’ve shared with partners and friends. Even more, a ton of people noticed the change in my confidence level. Over the past month, I’ve gone from being timid about discussing gender at work or in more public spaces to speaking my truth more.

For the first time in ages, I’m getting looks at the gym and grocery store. Instead of being annoyed by them, I’m embracing them because I finally get it. Being able to see what others see when they look at me has been life changing. 

Regardless of where I fit on the gender spectrum, I know how I look – fucking hot. 

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A Little Dose of Nostalgia

I picked up a 35mm film camera ( a pentax k1000) when I was sixteen, hoping it was the one thing that was going to finally give me the identity I was searching for so desperately. Something needed to define ME. I wasn’t really one of those artsy girls. I wasn’t a popular girl. I never had any patience with mean girls. I was too soft to really be a grunge girl, even though I hung on to Courtney Love’s every word (lyric) and even had to be dragged out of a mosh pit at a Hole concert once . . . who knew I would end up here, doing what I love.

I have carried the negatives from the following images among my most prized possessions. I was so proud of this work, a whole year of photography experience under my belt. It encapsulates everything I was passionate about as a hopelessly romantic, idealistic, lovestruck teenager. I was fortunate enough to grow up in England as a military brat and because of that had incredible opportunities to travel when I was younger. Here is a little peak into my beginnings as a photographer.

This is the inside and outside of the Musee D’Orsay, which I would love to visit with my girls! The architecture is just mind blowing. It used to be a train station!

This is just outside the Louvre-this guy was sitting just like the two behind him and I was drawn to the symmetry. He saw that I was pointing a camera at him and couldn’t help but giggle.

These were taken in Edinburgh, while I was tagging along on a trip with my high school sweetheart’s family (hence the lovestruck teenager bit). I was obsessed with the picture of his sister (they totally have the same nose) and of that cow! SO fuzzy!

These are from a trip to Scotland – I tagged along with my high school sweetheart’s family. The picture of his sister was a happy accident but a super important lesson in the power of well placed light. I processed it just like this too-super contrasty, not exposed exactly right, but I loved it nonetheless.

And ah yes, the 15 minutes of fame type moment. A teacher at our high school was Nate’s aunt (front right), and she got us backstage access to meet, photograph and interview the Foo Fighters. I was convinced I was going to be a Rolling Stone photographer, and made Annie Leibovitz my personal hero.

I’m sure I would have loved the life of a Rolling Stone photographer, but I am so happy I ended up where I am today-empowering women to love their bodies through boudoir photography.

xoxo

Melissa

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    A Beautiful Mama

    I have had the honor of photographing this beautiful mama five times.  Three boudoir shoots (one of them bridal), one couples shoot with her new hubs, and now this maternity boudoir shoot.  This shoot was also part of my 2019 secret project.  I wanted to include a maternity shoot this time, because I feel like it is so important to celebrate bodies of all shapes and sizes, including the glowing figure of the expectant mama. 

    I think EVERYONE that has a baby needs to capture this amazing time-when your body is literally growing another human being.  She also bravely ventured into the bathtub and it.was.glorious.  

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    A New Space, A Fresh Start

    Moving to a new neighborhood can be daunting. What is the commute like? Will the space fit my needs? How are the restaurants in the area?

    So many questions like these can flood our minds when we make the decision to move. And it can be so easy to give in to the stresses and anxieties that vie for our attention like a small child tugging at our sleeves. But when we push past the possible downsides, a new space can be thrilling. It symbolizes a reset, even as we continue to operate in much the same way we did in the space we used to occupy.

    The Ladies’ Night we held at the studio last Wednesday showed me just how rewarding this new space really is. What serves as a beautiful new home for my photography by day was easily transformed into a fun, inviting venue for a party by night. Some tactful rearranging created a lounge area in the dining room, surrounded by our ever-popular tarot card reader and a featured wine selection from Spirits of Norway Vineyard. A quick jaunt brought us to our pop-up spa room, complete with face masking and skin care advice in a private nook. And finally, turning the corner led us into the studio room, repurposed as a relaxation zone with some incredible massages.

    But the night was about so much more than what we were able to offer to our guests. It was about the guests themselves. Our attendees were an eclectic mix of long-time studio friends and brand new faces. I cannot express just how happy it made me to see so many amazing women commingling in one place. And it is this aspect that fills me with gratitude.

    I am so proud to have come this far with my boudoir photography business. What started as a small Groupon campaign has turned into my dream of helping women love their bodies at some of their most vulnerable moments. And being able to sit and talk with them, as one of them, felt SO good. In a way, it reminded me just why I love what I do.

    Running a studio is a lot of work and it can be hard to switch off the business side of me and just be myself. I’m sure at least a few of you have heard me say that I really want to find more time to go out with people or pamper myself every once and a while. And despite keeping my eyes open to make sure the night ran smoothly, I was able to take some time to just be me. Not Melissa the photographer, Melissa the mom, Melissa the business owner. Just Melissa.

    Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE all of the roles I get to play in my life. I love the fulfillment and satisfaction I get from my family and my work. But last Wednesday reminded me how good it feels to let go of those roles every so often. I was able to put *most* of the responsibilities on hold and be one of the girls.

    Thank you to everyone who came last week. Showing up to spend a few hours with friends, trying new wine, and spoiling yourselves a little was actually very meaningful. Your presence made the studio a little brighter even after the sun went down. And it reminded me that YOU are the reason I bring my A game to every shoot. You are the heart of my work, not simply the subjects of my portfolio. And I am excited for each opportunity we have to share that space together.

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    Ta-ta

    This beautiful babe is an absolute inspiration in every single way.  I got a text from her a few days before Mother’s Day, asking if I did boudoir parties.

    OF COURSE!  I love parties!  Women hanging out, empowering each other, cheering each other on, it’s always a blast.  It’s why I started Galentine’s Day.

    It turns out that E was about to undergo a double mastectomy and had to do so in pretty short order.  

    She wanted to celebrate her pre-surgery body, and she wanted her friends by her side. She called it a “tata to my tatas party.”  

    My heart.

    She said she specifically needed to document her breasts because they were amazing, and wanted to pour a bottle of champagne over them.  

    WHY have I not thought of this before?

    On the day of the shoot, the time came to get the champagne out. We cleared the bed away from the wall, did some “practice” shots before popping the bottle, and had the emergency standby bottles ready.  I had to be sure we got these shots right-it was the only thing she specifically requested.  And man.  They. Are. SPECTACULAR.  

    THIS is what I mean when I say I want to capture happy, giggly, laughing shots-where you let go completely.  You are alive and free, loving everything in the precise moment the picture is taken.  

    For those that have worked with me, pouring a bottle of champagne over your body works WAY better than exclaiming “PENIS!” to get genuine giggles.  

    Her hubby was present for her photo reveal and he just beamed. He said it made him so happy to see she had a great time during the shoot.

    She might have the most grace of any woman I have ever met.  She went through this whole process with a brave smile on her face, brazenly donning her Dita Von Teese lingerie (whom she is a clone for btw if you didn’t notice), and exhibiting absolute joy during her entire shoot.  

    She patiently waited while I worked on her album design through a super busy month, and is already talking about a follow up shoot after reconstructive surgery.  

    Hope you are feeling well, E.  I can’t wait to photograph you again.  

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    “Secret” Project

    I am so excited to be working on my “secret” project again. That’s what it was called the first time, because I didn’t reveal the concept until the result was complete. 

    21 women, sizes 0-20. I’ve done it twice now. Once in 2012 and once in 2016. I’d been hearing women say they needed to lose 10 pounds or they were too old or they had too many babies etc etc, and I wanted to prove them wrong.

    As my business grew, I was able to get a more diverse set of volunteers the second time around, including many beautiful skin tones, cancer survivors, women up to 64 years old, and a powerlifter, to name a few. We don’t have to have breasts to be sexy. We don’t have to be 20 to be sexy. We don’t have to lose the baby weight to be sexy. We can be fluid, changing, growing. 

    I am working to include trans women and gender queer/nonbinary peeps this time around ?️‍?. I would love to include disabled women. I would love to include a woman in her 70 or even older (my own grandmother continues to refuse me even though she is the cutest almost 80 year old woman you’ve ever seen and full of sass at that) ?. 

    This project sets me on fire – I am so passionate in my conviction that boudoir is for everyone. We are all so beautiful in our individuality and should be empowered to embrace that beauty and our sexuality-whatever that means to us at the time.  I am so excited to see where this project takes me in 2019. Watch out for updates on my work and the project as it progresses!